I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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