Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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