the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
