if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
this boner is exhausting
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
His hands were made for my vagina.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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