Plan B is the new Plan A
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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