I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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