Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
