my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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