I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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