i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize