threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
