Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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