remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
