my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
