the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
