So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
