Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
