I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
