just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize