Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
