She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
