im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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