I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize