So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
