I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
