I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Randomize
