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How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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