My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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