I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
