I puked a lego.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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