I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
sex in a hospital.. check
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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