My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
