I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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