My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
