I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
