not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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