I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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