i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
