I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
