It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
