Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
