Pants 0. Shit 1.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
