I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
