i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
