I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
