get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize