our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
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