I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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