so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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