I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
