i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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