my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
