You smell like a Billy Joel song
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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