I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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