The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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