i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
