They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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