You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
