just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize