if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
