i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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