hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
